


oh man, there is something broken in you.

by nathansprescott



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Almost Suicide Attempt, Angst, Character Study, Dean Needs A Hug, Dean Needs Therapy, Dean-Centric, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 14:30:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9186395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nathansprescott/pseuds/nathansprescott
Summary: A character study of Dean Winchester.(I tried to use a couple things alluded to in canon; i.e: Dean's alcoholism, Dean's drug use. Otherwise it's meant to be sort of obvious; I apologise if it is not. Thank you for reading. Enjoy!)





	

**Author's Note:**

> angst. it's all angst. dean needs a hug.

Sometimes, it's hard to look Sammy right in the eye.  
It's stupid, yeah, but it's his own goddamn fault.  
He's fucked up so many times now, fucked every good road they— _he_ has left away.   
He knows it, too.  
The way Sam looks at it sometimes, Cas's tone, the look in his own eyes when he looks in the mirror.  
He blinks once and he could swear his eyes flash black—the devil—the demons—it's his _fault_ , why won't someone just _say_ it—and then there's the familiar acidic forest green back to greet him.  
For a moment, he can't breathe, his heart pounding, no oxygen there to take in. He can't speak, vocal cords frozen.  
And then it's normal.  
It's enough to make him want to fucking shoot himself.  
He misses Cas. He hasn't seen him in a while and yeah, the dude's probably busy, but it's just this sinking feeling.  
There's no place for love in this job. It gets people hurt and killed—he knows that. He _does_ , but he can't help but wonder about "what if"s.  
He itches at his arm—right where the Mark used to be—briefly, just enough to remind him there's smooth skin there, only scars from too many fights with too many werewolves, shapeshifters, demons, whatever the fuck they find and kill.  
He's okay.  
It's okay.  
(Is it?)  
On edge. Erratic.  
Sam's always been a little too smart for his own good.  
He slips an amphetamine on his tongue and swallows it dry. He hasn't slept in three days, and it keeps his head straight.  
Dean turns around, and he's looking for his bed, but his eyes land on an old family photo and this is the final straw.  
Mom's dead, Dad's dead (his fault), Sam's life is fucked over (add it to the list), and he's just.. here.  
And Cas hasn't spoken to him beyond a couple texts in the past week. It's definitely enough to make him want to shoot himself.  
He remembers—that night near the car—the crossroads demon offering him a chance to get his father back, to bargain his life away, before he'd ever thought about doing it for Sam.  
He remembers the "yes" on the tip of his tongue, almost spilling from his lips. He wants to say okay. He wants to bring his dad back. It's tempting. It's so, so tempting.  
It started as a trick, started as a way to get Evan out, and then it actually mattered.  
hisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfault—  
He watches the demon go and he pushes aside the "what if"s long enough to help the girl left behind.  
It's his fault, his problem, his burden.  
Sam shouldn't _be_ here. He should live with a white picket fence with Jessica by his side, little blond kids running around and a pie on the table.  
And he wanted to drag him to look for their father.  
selfishselfishselfishselfishhisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthisfaulthesneverwantedtobealonehisfaulthisfaulthisfault—  
He wants to leave, wants to leave it all behind, wants to pull the trigger, wants to get away from it, but he can't, and it almost tears him apart. Just a little.  
He shoves the gun back down in his duffel bag and zips it shut.  
He can't.


End file.
